


Where the light enters you

by s_a_b_i_n_e



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Binge Eating Disorder, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Good Boyfriend Alec Lightwood, Healing, Intimacy, M/M, Malec, Not bulimia, Panic Attacks, Secrets, There's tiramisu involved, Vomiting, setbacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:20:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25813465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/s_a_b_i_n_e/pseuds/s_a_b_i_n_e
Summary: Magnus' journey recovering from binge eating disorder.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 20
Kudos: 115





	1. Brimful

**Author's Note:**

> This is a difficult topic. Please read the tags and take care.
> 
> The series title is based on the Rumi quote "The wound is the place where the Light enters you."

Magnus should have known. He should have known that letting Alec basically live with him - even if not officially - would make keeping his secret difficult.

It wouldn't have been so difficult if he were more in control of it. If there were fixed times that Alec would be at the loft. But Magnus never really knew when the shadowhunter would be back from his duties. Sometimes he surprised him with going off duty early or he popped in for something work-related.

Not that Magnus didn't enjoy Alec being around, on the contrary. He was his light in the darkness that so often enveloped him. But still, there was a black hole inside of him that wanted to be fed, first with food, and afterwards with remorse and shame.

Covering up the first part of his secret wasn't too hard. Magnus was quite an expert in that. As soon as he heard Alec entering the loft, Magnus let all the evidence of it disappear: the soft drink bottles, the cake cartons, the bag of crisps. Doggy bags were a bit more tricky as Magnus just couldn't break the habit of eating them standing in front of the opened fridge. He didn't have a free hand to snap all back in place and it took maybe two seconds longer. Two seconds that could blow up his charade. 

He had had some close calls but had managed to deflect Alec's amused questions. He just _loved_ spaghetti carbonara right out of the refrigerator or he _just_ wanted to see if the leftovers were still good to eat. Vanishing food he tried to replace, but sometimes he couldn't really remember what he had eaten. When he went on a full binge his memory was blurred, the empty packaging often the only reminders of what had happened in the last hour or so. If Alec asked for something that was missing he lied about a surprise lunch guest. He felt awful about it.

But needing to hide the evidence wasn't the worst part of Alec interrupting an eating spree. It was the missed opportunity to suffer through the second part. Sure it wasn't pleasant to find himself in front of a looted larder, slowly coming back to his senses, feeling puffy and sick, guilty and deeply ashamed. But he could at least lie down, wallowing in self-loathing and self-pity. It was an important part of it. He would never do anything against the pressure in his belly, neither mundane nor magical. He would just wait until he didn't feel as if he would burst into thousand pieces at any second. He would let the tears of anger, shame, and frustration fall that burned like fire but were cathartic in a way he didn't understand. 

All that wasn't possible whenever Alec unknowingly visited the scene of the crime. Magnus would put on a happy face and entertain his boyfriend, all while trying to hide his discomfort. Alcohol helped to numb the feeling of the food creeping up his throat, but it was only a crutch.

Whenever it happened Magnus tried to make them move to the balcony. Leaning over the balustrade helped to ease the pressure inside. But that wasn't an option when his shadowhunter was cuddly or well - even worse - horny. And most of the times Alec was one of the two.

And that's how it all came to light. Magnus was well into his fifth carton of cake that he had ordered for a get together later that day when he heard Alec calling his name. With a flick, the boxes dissolved from the kitchen counter. And another flick cleaned Magnus' chocolate-covered face and refreshed his make-up. "I'm here, darling," he exclaimed, putting on an oversized smile, and leaving the kitchen. "You're early," he said before welcoming his boyfriend with a kiss.

"Just couldn't wait to see you again," the shadowhunter confessed, not even breaking the kiss. Magnus would have enjoyed the soft feeling of Alec's plump lips on his own, and he would have deepened the kiss right then if it weren't for the nausea that was slowly but surely consuming his body and mind. 

He softly pressed his hands on his boyfriend's chest, trying to bring some space between them. But Alec just pulled him closer, his tongue demanding entrance. _Shit_. Today whisky and the balcony wouldn't be an option, Magnus feared and he panicked for a second. He could barely tolerate feeling Alec's hard muscles pressing into his swollen stomach. He was feeling sick.

Unsuspecting Alec deepened the kiss. Magnus couldn't remember when he had parted his lips. "Mmh," Alec hummed, exploring the warlock's mouth. "Chocolate cake. Couldn't wait until the guests arrive, could you?" Alec teased. "Well," Magnus replied, trying to sound nonchalant, "I'm all for having dessert first." "Me, too," Alec said, pushing his tongue back into Magnus' mouth, turning him around, moving him to the bedroom. 

The sudden change of direction made Magnus lightheaded and his throat narrowed, trying to keep the food down. If Magnus hadn't been so focused on not throwing up he would have easily been able to tenderly avert being pushed onto his bed. But he couldn't think. His stretched stomach hurt and waves of nausea rolled through his body. 

Alec misinterpreted his boyfriend's silence for quiet pleasure and covered Magnus' body with his own, pressing kisses onto his neck and pushing their pelvises together. His boyfriend didn't move underneath him and that's when he realised that something was off. 

"Are you okay, babe?" he asked with concern. Magnus didn't answer. His body was so close to not obeying him anymore. He felt tears building up behind his closed eyelids. Sorrow and regret washed over him. And shame, so much shame. 

Alec slid off him, trying to understand what was happening. He had never seen his boyfriend like this. Was Magnus in pain? Why hadn't he said something? 

"Magnus, what is it?" he tried again. Still no answer. Alec pushed himself up into a seating position and aimed at pulling his boyfriend into his lap. Halfway through Magnus bolted up, jumped off the bed, and stumbled to the bathroom. For a moment Alec sat on the bed, bewildered. But then he heard Magnus puking violently and with a few long paces, he kneeled next to his boyfriend who was hanging over the bathtub. Alec softly caressed his back, chanting soothing words to calm him while Magnus kept on vomiting. 

It took a while until there was nothing left to fetch up. Magnus' knees gave out and he sagged into Alec's arms. "I'm so sorry," Magnus cawed. "Shhhh," Alec cooed. "It's alright. You're sick. Must have been something that you've eaten." Oh, wasn't that hilarious? Magnus would have laughed if he didn't feel like crap. 

"Do you think, it's okay to move?" Alec asked. Magnus nodded carefully. Alec slowly helped him up, led him to the sink where Magnus washed his mouth and cooled his face. Supported by Alec he stumbled back to the bedroom where he lay down in the fetal position, face away from his boyfriend who watched him with great concern. 

He shouldn't have had the chance to get the relief he now felt after emptying his stomach. He didn't deserve that kind of mercy. He was ill-disciplined and weak. He hated that Alec had to take care of him, seeing him like this. And all due to gluttony. Because that's what it was, wasn't it? Pure overindulgence, self-inflicted pain. Why couldn't he be stronger? He was so _weak_. And Alec had to deal with the aftermath. What a disgrace he was. He was a poor excuse for a warlock. All-consuming shame washed over Magnus, tears falling again. 

Meanwhile, Alec drew calming circles on his boyfriend's back who still didn't dare to face him. "I get you something to drink," Alec said, returning to the bathroom. The smell made it clear that they both had forgotten to clean up. Alec took the showerhead and started to wash the sick away. He couldn't ignore the amount or the half-eaten content that was still identifiable as the cake selection they had agreed on the day before. Struggling against the urge to gag he cleaned up as fast as he could before filling a glass with water and returning to the bedroom. 

"You need to drink, babe," he said. Magnus hadn't moved since he left him. Alec leant down and kissed his boyfriend's hair. "Mags," he pleaded when he still got no response. "Please, show me your face, Magnus." Reluctantly the warlock turned his head. His makeup was smeared, the tears had left black trails on his cheek. His eyes looked empty. Alec's heart clenched in his chest. What had happened? He just couldn't wrap his head around it. 

Carefully he turned his boyfriend around and pulled him into his arms. He held him close and moved his hand soothingly up and down the back. He just waited, giving Magnus the time he needed. 

After a while, Magnus stretched out his hand and took the glass of water that was on the bedside table. Slowly taking sips he seemed to come back to the here and now. He didn't raise his eyes to meet Alec's, but when he finished drinking he laid his head on his boyfriend's chest and took a deep breath, some of the tension leaking out of his body when he exhaled. 

"I'm sorry," he said again. "Sorry for what?" _Sorry for being a burden. Sorry for being weak. Sorry for making a mess. Sorry about wasting good food. Sorry for keeping things from you. Sorry for being out of control._

The silence grew heavy, every unspoken word a new brick in the wall that was slowly building up between them. 

"You know that you can tell me everything, don't you?" Alec asked. A sound escaped Magnus' mouth, something between a laugh and a sob. "There are things that you really don't want to know, Alexander," Magnus spit out, his voice bitter and sharp as a knife. 

"Try me," the Nephilim replied, but Magnus remained silent. After a while, Alec decided to get right to the point: "Why did you eat all of the cake?" _Because I hoped it would make me feel better. Because I couldn't feel myself. Because I wanted to punish myself. Because it helped me to forget. Because I don't have control over it. Because eating is easy on autopilot._ All this didn't even make sense in his head, how could he answer this question? 

"Do you have an eating disorder?" Magnus felt the weight of this question heavy on his heart. He tried to breathe, but he couldn't. Panic rose in his chest when he realised that. "It's okay, babe. It's okay. Breathe for me, it's okay. We'll figure this out, together. Just breathe for me, okay?" And he took Magnus' hand, set it on his heart and counted in sync with his own breathing. 

When Magnus breathed regularly again, Alec softly moved his boyfriend so they faced each other. Reluctantly Magnus met his gaze. "There is nothing to be ashamed of, Magnus," Alec said, tenderly caressing his cheek. "And there's no need to apologize. We will find the help you need to get better. And I will be with you, every step of the way." 

The words washed over Magnus and took away some of the shame that was still lingering in his body. He wanted to get well again. And for the first time, he believed that this might be possible. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Tell me what you think.


	2. The talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AllTypesOfLove suggested to take the oneshot further. I think that there is more to tell than I did in what is now the first chapter. Thank you for encouriging me. 💖

When Magnus woke up the room was filled with darkness. His whole body ached. He felt like being run over by a car. For a second he contemplated that this really could be the case, but when he tried to swallow the lump in his throat the razor-like feeling brought back the memories. _Oh, no. Alec knew!_ Alec who was holding him, fast asleep half-sitting against the headboard.

Magnus didn't know how long he might have slept. He reached for Alec's mobile phone that had slipped out of his boyfriend's hand. The unlock screen showed 9.17 pm and a preview of a text by Cat starting "I hope he's feeling better soon. Give me a call if you ..."

Magnus sighed. Alec had cancelled their little get together. Just their closest family and friends. _I will have to explain why I got sick to every single one of them. Shit._ The all too familiar feeling of shame washed over him. And Alec would want to talk about this. There was no way out of this conversation now. He had seen too much. Why did he have to fall for this beautiful, analytical man? Nobody had ever connected the dots. Why had it to be him? 

Alec moved underneath him and Magnus begged all the angels and deities who might have been inclined to have mercy on his soul that the shadowhunter wouldn't wake up. But his prayer wasn't answered. Alec sat up and brushed Magnus' hair with his fingers. He probably thought that the older man was still asleep. _If he's still here to caress me after all the gross things that happened, maybe he won't leave._ Magnus was living on hope alone. There was nothing else left.

Alec's hand in his hair was soothing and helped Magnus finding the courage to lift his head and to snap his fingers to switch on the bedside lamp. There was no use in postponing this.

"How are you feeling?" Alec asked softly. _Good question._ "Empty," Magnus muttered under his breath. _Just like your soul_ his brain was helpful to offer. Alec understood some of the layers underneath this simple word, but he didn't want to jump right in, fearing to drive his boyfriend into a corner. "You need fluids. I could mix up something to put some electrolytes in your system. It will only take a minute," he offered. But Magnus shook his head and summoned what Alec assumed to be a potion. After drinking it he clutched at the half-empty glass on the bedside table and drank the remaining water in one big gulp.

"Are you hungry?" Alec sounded out the situation. _Oh, hell no!_ Magnus still felt nauseated. "I think I had enough for a day. But you must be starving," Magnus replied. They had slept through dinner time and the shadowhunter probably had not eaten since breakfast. "I'm quite alright," the younger man said.

"Can you explain what happened yesterday?" _So much for tentatively easing into the topic._ What could he say? He didn't fully understand it himself. "I don't know what to say," he finally answered. It was the truth and better than stretching the silence.

"May I ask you some questions? You only answer what you're comfortable with," Alec offered and Magnus closed his eyes but nodded nonetheless. Alec softly pulled his boyfriend back to his chest and recommenced stroking trough the warlock's hair.

"Did this happen before?" was his first question. "Yes." "How long?" "On and off for decades. Sometimes it doesn't happen for years," Magnus answered in a small voice. "How long since it started this time?" _Shit._ He couldn't answer that. Alec would think it was his fault. It wasn't but there was nothing that the Nephilim wouldn't put on his own shoulders. "Does it matter?" Magnus diverted the question.

"How often does it happen?" "Mostly once or twice a week." "Do you always," Alec tried to find the right words "relieve yourself afterwards?" Magnus understood the innuendo. "No, that was an accident." Alec breathed a sigh of relief. No bulimia then. 

After Magnus had fallen asleep Alec had thought back to the brief episode when Jace had used vomiting to achieve taking back control of his life after the Lightwoods had adopted him. His parabatai had gotten caught up in turmoil. But Alec helped him through it after realising that his new brother always disappeared after meals. 

But Jace's unhealthy habits lasted for mere weeks. Magnus was dealing with this probably for centuries. "How did it go away in the past?" Silence stretched the time. "It just did", Magnus finally answered. He had a vague idea that the refractory periods were connected to easier-going times. Still stress _and_ boredom were both triggers. In Magnus' head that just didn't make sense. He was always busy.

"Does anybody know?" Alec asked. "No, of course not," Magnus bitterly replied. "Why not?" Alec's voice was soft but had a broken aura to it. It nearly shattered Magnus' heart. "Why would I tell anybody about this part of me? It's disgusting. I am disgusting." Alec flinched noticeably underneath him. "You are no such thing," he said after taking a deep breath. "Magnus, this disease does not change who you are. It might change what you do, but I'm dead certain that you can heal and leave it in the past for good."

Magnus wanted to believe him. But no matter how strong and sharp his young shadowhunter was, sometimes he was naive too. "Look, Alexander. I'm used to it. These episodes pass. They always do. Why don't we just leave it at that?"

"Are you serious?" Alec nearly shouted. Magnus' eyes widened in shock and he jumped off the bed. "Get out of here," he hissed, his face a stony mask. "No, I won't," Alec said, frantically trying to keep his voice soft. "Don't push me away," he pleaded. But Magnus was still fuming. "I don't think you have the right to shout at me in my own home!" That's not how Alec wanted to end this discussion. It might be their last one if he left now.

"I'm sorry, Mags. I didn't mean to raise my voice. I'm just scared. You're doing this for the angels only know how long. I don't want you to hurt yourself any longer." For the first time since the whole debacle started Alec allowed himself to let go. Tears were running down his face. "Please, let me help you."

Magnus' anger slowly cauterised. Hurting himself was one thing. But hurting Alec? No, he didn't want that. He looked in his boyfriend's glassy, pleading eyes. It was no help. He couldn't deny him that. "I won't pressure you into anything you don't want to do. Just let us find out what this is and how you can get better. There surely is a way." 

Magnus sighted. _Bleeding hell!_ What did these beautiful hazel eyes do to him? "But of course," he gave in. _What do I have to lose?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.


	3. The next morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something to catch a breath before getting down to the nitty-gritty.
> 
> This is a difficult topic. Please read the tags and take care.
> 
> The series title is based on the Rumi quote "The wound is the place where the Light enters you."

Exhaustion had claimed Magnus again and he was sleeping in his boyfriend's arms, his head resting on his chest. Alec on the other hand was bouncing off the walls. Too many thoughts were rallying in his head. He could feel a headache building, but even with closed eyes, sleep escaped him. Finally, he gave up and unlocked his phone.

There were texts from Izzy and Jace, Cat and Raphael. He shot them a short answer, saying that Magnus was better, but needed rest. Then he opened the web browser. He searched for 'bulimia without vomiting' and started to read. He quickly learnt that bulimia could take on more forms than he knew about. But he also found out that there was a separate disorder where binge eating was the main symptom. The more he read the more it seemed to fit what Magnus had described. _Binge eating disorder._ Having a name helped Alec to finally calm down. If it had a name there surely would be a cure as well. Finally, he sank into a deep slumber. 

* * *

The next morning Magnus woke up with the first rays of dawn. His head rested on Alec's arm, the other embracing his middle. He sank back into the warm and firm body of his boyfriend. He felt safe and sheltered. Now well-rested, the terror of the previous day had left his body. Closing his eyes he searched for the black hole inside of him. He could only feel a phantom of it, like pulverised remnants. He would be good for days. That he knew. But what then? Now Alec knew. The shadowhunter would look out for signs, observing him like a child. The thought of that made Magnus groan. _Stupid overprotective boyfriend._ But on the other hand, Magnus didn't want to complain. He had always thought that taking care of your partner was the basis of a good relationship. But he wasn't used to being on the receiving side of it.

Thinking about it the whole thing had started when he was with Camille. The binging had filled the hole that her behaviour had ripped into his soul. He was always too much **or** not quite enough, depending on her mood. He had loved her dearly. But Ragnor had been right. She nearly killed him.

He felt so different with Alec. There were no unspoken expectations, no manipulation, no attempts to change who he was or how he presented himself. Magnus still was guarded, but Alec had already gone through so many wards that only a handful of people were allowed to pass. Magnus longed for and feared the day Alec would truly see him stripped down of all of them, the raw Magnus he himself didn't dear to look at too closely. Maybe this day would come sooner rather than later.

Magnus carefully lifted Alec's arm and slid out of the warm body cage. Pausing on the edge of the bed he looked back. The shadowhunter still was fast asleep. Magnus knew that his angel was inwardly broken, too. Still, he was beautiful and perfect to him. _Dare I to believe he sees me the same way?_ Magnus hoped against all odds for it to be the truth.

He tiptoed out of the bedroom, took a quick shower, and put on his favourite silk pants and dressing gown. Then he went to the kitchen, brewing tea for his tormented stomach, and took a seat on the sofa out on his balcony. He listened to the early morning traffic far below and enjoyed the warm sunlight on his face. Tranquillity settled in his soul. The events of the past day felt lightyears away.

Muffled footsteps pulled him out of this thoughtless state. A perfect bedhead appeared through the french doors and the sun rose a second time this day in form of a small smile on his beloved's face. 

"How are you?" Alec asked still a bit drowsy. "I'm feeling quite well. Thank you. What about you?" Magnus replied. "I slept like a log." The two men looked at each other, so many words unspoken. _I love you. I trust you. We get through this._ Unlike a few hours ago there was no heaviness between them threatening to crash down. But something had shifted and they both knew. 

"You must be starving," Magnus finally stated. "What do you fancy?" "You, always you," Alec answered seriously. Magnus wanted to call out his schmaltziness, but decided to go with "Me, too."

Alec reached out his hand and helped the warlock to get up. He pulled him in for a soft kiss. "I love you," the younger man said tenderly. "I love you, too," the older man replied, leaning their foreheads together. Unanswered questions were looming, but they could wait just a little bit longer. Now they had to feel each other's love and devotion. That was what would get them through whatever was on the horizon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.


	4. First steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For context: I don't know the exact day Malec first met but Clary's birthday is August 23. I assume that Alec's not-wedding is early/mid September, but I might be mistaken. Either way, I go with this.

"Spit it out, Magnus," Catarina sighed. "We both know that warlocks can't catch common stomach bugs. And I don't believe that you got yourself this drunk at 4 pm. What happened, my friend?" Magnus moaned. Cat just knew him too well. He slumped into the armchair. 

"I see. Alexander told you about it," he slowly replied. His friend nodded in agreement. "Well, I think it had something to do with what I had eaten," he cautiously continued. "Foodborne illnesses aren't really a big deal for us and you know that," Catarina objected, her voice soft and patient. She knew that Magnus wouldn't open up if she tried to pressure him into answering. She was worried about her friend. He may have fooled the shadowhunters, but he wouldn't fool her.

Magnus opened his mouth but wasn't able to find the right words, so he closed his lips tight. His eyelids fell shut. All too familiar waves of shame ran through his body. But this was Cat, one of his oldest and dearest friends. He had saved her and she had saved him thousands of times, since that day they met about four centuries ago. She was family. She needed to know. _You can do this, Bane._

When Magnus opened his eyes he saw that his friend had let her glamour drop. Her blue skin and white hair were a familiar sight whenever they were about to bear their souls in the safe place their long friendship had created. Taking a deep breath to build up his courage he finally started to explain.

Catarina listened intensively. When Magnus' confession ended, his cheeks densely covered with black tear traces, she took a knee in front of her friend and held him tight. "Oh, darling," she said. Softly pulling back she locked eyes with him. He feared to see pity but found understanding and kindness instead. He let out the breath he was holding.

She stroked away the tears that had started to fall again and cradled Magnus' face gently in her hands. "Thank you for telling me." She got up and sat down on an armchair opposite the tall man who looked so small now. 

"What do you need?" she asked. Magnus thought about it. "I think I need your love and friendship ... and professional help," he answered quietly. Catarina nodded and on her concerned face, a warm smile grew.

"Alexander did some research and he thinks that I have some kind of eating disorder." Magnus couldn't hide the shame in his voice. But he didn't need to hide anymore. Not from Catarina. 

"I think that's likely", the blue warlock agreed. "It's not my area of expertise, but if you want to, I could ask some of my colleagues, anonymised of course." "Thank you, my dear Catarina," Magnus said in a firmer voice. "Don't mention it!" she returned. "It's my pleasure to help you."

* * *

The very next day Catarina called him. She explained that in all probability his symptoms were related to an eating disorder. But for clinical diagnostics also physical tests were needed to exclude other possible causes. Magnus' heart sank. He couldn't go to a mundane doctor. And he never had been in need to find one. But Cat reassured him and promised to send him addresses of doctors who were acquainted with the downworld.

The previous day talking with Catarina had been exhaustive, it had made Magnus feel lighter though. But know he was sitting on his leather sofa and stared down at the doctors' contact details on his mobile phone. His arms lay heavy in his lap and he only wanted to close his eyes and sleep forever. 

That's how Alec found him a moment later. He had gone preparing tea in an endeavour to give Magnus some privacy. He put down the mugs on the coffee table and cautiously sat down next to his boyfriend.

"Everything okay?" he asked, studying Magnus' face. The warlock looked drained and pale. "I thought I can do this, but I can't," Magnus finally said. "Why?" Alec asked softly. "Because I'm weak," the older man replied. "You are the strongest person I know," the younger man insisted. "And I am here to support you. What do you need help with?" 

Magnus didn't have the energy to contradict his boyfriend. He sighed and passed his unlocked phone. "Catarina sent me some addresses of doctors who might be able to help me," he explained. Alec quickly scrolled through the short list. There was no one in New York. "Have you ever been to Houston/Texas?" Alec asked. "No, why?" Magnus asked bewildered. "Because you can only portal to where you have been before, right?" The warlock nodded. "But you once told me about York in England. You've been there with Ragnor." Magnus smiled softly. He surely had mentioned this only in passing, but Alec still remembered. 

"Okay, then I'll call this doctor. Cat wrote that he's married to a werewolf and treats a lot of downworlders. Is this okay with you?" Alec asked. Again Magnus nodded in agreement. "Thank you, Alexander," he spoke softly.

* * *

The doctor agreed to meet after hours on a Friday evening. Magnus was piqued because this was usually their date night. But Alec just kissed him and said, "I gladly spend our date night in a medical practice and have fish'n'chips in a dodgy pub afterwards." At that Magnus cackled. "And you'll try it with vinegar?" he asked the shadowhunter who looked shocked. "I'm sure there will be ketchup. But honestly, that's an abomination," Magnus guffawed. Alec would definitively try the vinegar if he could hear his boyfriend's laugh again. He had missed it since the revelation.

* * *

When the two men left the portal in a backyard the smell of fried food hang in the air. Alec cocked an eyebrow and Magnus grinned wide. "I could hardly portal us in front of the minster, could I?" he said whimsically. "And it's only a five-minute walk to the surgery," he added. It could have been just a nice evening stroll but Alec saw that Magnus nervously played with his rings. He took his hands and tried to soothe his boyfriend with the stroke of his thumbs. The warlock smiled faintly and the Nephilim softly kissed his cheek. "It's okay. You've got this."

When they rang the bell a woman in her 60s opened the door. "Mr Bane for Dr Unwin," Alec explained. The woman smiled and for a second her blue eyes shifted to green. "I'm Dr Unwin's wife. My name is Eileen. Welcome to England," the blond woman introduced herself. "Thank you. My name is Alec, Alec Lightwood," the shadowhunter replied. Magnus finally composed himself and slightly bowed down to kiss her on the hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Eileen. Please call me Magnus."

Eileen led them through the surgery into a wooden clad room. The grey-haired, short, and stout doctor was sitting behind a large desk. When he welcomed the men with a warm smile he was softspoken and cordial. 

As a general practitioner Dr Unwin had had his fair share of patients with eating disorders in his many working years. He knew that it was always a sensitive matter. But looking at the nervous warlock in front of him he asked himself how much harder it must have been for Magnus to come to him asking for help.

"Magnus, I'm glad that you came. Would you prefer to tell me your story or would you like me to ask questions?" the doctor asked softly. "I had to tell my story twice in the last week. I'd prefer to just answer your questions, if that's okay," Magnus said, nervously glancing at Alec who looked at him encouragingly.

"Very good. I will ask you some questions about your eating habits and afterwards, you will have an ultrasound, some lab tests, and such. After that, we will be wiser." Magnus nodded. Nervously he shifted around on his padded chair.

"Do you want me to leave or stay?" Alec asked, suddenly aware that the questions might be more intimate than Magnus was comfortable to share with him, at least at the moment. Magnus pondered both options. "I want you to stay," he finally said. "If you want to support me you should know everything about it." Alec gave him a warm smile. "Okay," he said, taking his hand and squeezing it.

"Alright then. I have a checklist to find out what we are dealing with," Dr Unwin said. "I understand that you have episodes of binge eating. When you have these - do you eat more than most people would eat in a similar period of time under similar circumstances?" "Yes." "How long are these episodes?" "It depends. One hour, I think, sometimes longer. I do lose track of time," Magnus answered, fiddling with his ear cuff. "That's quite common, Magnus. Do you have control over what or how much you are eating in that time period?" the doctor asked. The warlock intensely studied the embroidery of his blazer. "Not really. I only know it's a lot. Afterwards, I can tell by the empty wrappers and boxes that it must have been a huge amount of food. But it's basically whatever is in the fridge or the cupboard. Sometimes I conjure food, but I can't remember doing so." The doctor nodded thoughtfully.

"Do you eat when you don't feel physically hungry?" "Yes." "Do you eat until feeling uncomfortably full?" "Yes," Magnus sighed. "Do you eat more rapidly than normal?" Magnus nodded and closed his eyes. _How humiliating._

As if reading his mind Alec squeezed his hand and softly said, "It's alright. It's gonna be alright, Magnus." The warlock gave him a thankful look and turned his face back to the doctor. 

"We're nearly done with the questions", Dr Unwin explained. "You're doing very well, Magnus." The physician gave him a cordial smile and proceeded. "Are you with other people or on your own when you're having these episodes?" "Always on my own." "And how do you feel about it?" 

Magnus took a deep breath. "I ... I feel disgusted with myself ... and guilty ... and ashamed. I'm not really proud of being so weak." He laughed bitterly. "All these feelings are common. I know it probably won't help but I say it nonetheless. You're not weak, you are ill. I know that's nothing you are familiar with as warlocks don't tend to fall ill. But it is nothing to be ashamed of."

The doctor waited until Magnus met his eyes again. "I have three more questions and then this part is done. Is that okay or do you need a break?" "No, it's okay," Magnus answered, steeling himself.

"Do you compensate the binging with vomiting, purging, or excessive training?" Magnus looked confused. "If you were doing these things, the treatment would have to be different. You are not overweight which most people with BED are. If you use any of these things I need to know," the doctor explained. "No such thing, I couldn't", Magnus said with burning cheeks, remembering the mess he had made a few days ago. 

Dr Unwin nodded. "Alright then. How often do these episodes happen?" "Once or twice a week." "Okay, last question. When did these episodes start?" "Over 100 years ago. But it's not continuous. There are long periods without."

"How long was the last break?" Dr Unwin asked, looking down on a sheet of paper, taking notes. "Maybe 10 years, could've been even longer. I'm not quite sure," Magnus explained.

"And when did it start this time?" Magnus suddenly had a lump in his throat. "Is this important to know?" he asked with a weak voice. "I'm sorry, but it is." Magnus glanced nervously at Alec. He really didn't want him to know. But sending him away now would be even more suspicious. _Shit._ He felt tears welling up. _Don't cry like a baby, Bane. You're hundreds of years old._ He knew he had to answer the question. _Damn it!_

"Last September," there, he said it. He didn't dare to look at Alec. But he didn't need to. He heard a sharp noise when Alec inhaled and felt his hand stiffen. _Shit. Shit. Shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.


	5. The check up

Dr Unwin was too immersed in compiling Magnus' medical file to be sensitive to Alec's reaction. When he looked up he directed his gaze to Magnus, talking him through the check-up that would follow. The doctor's words washed over both men, neither of them hearing a single word. Both were trapped in their own head, neither of them brave enough to look at the other.

It took Magnus a moment to realise that the physician had asked him something. "Magnus, are you feeling well? We can do this another time if you want to," Dr Unwin offered.

Magnus shook himself back to reality. "No, thank you. Just ... maybe give us a minute in private?" His voice was a far cry from his usual warm baritone. His tone spoke of brokenness and was coloured with panic. That's what broke Alec out of his dead ahead stare. His head turned violently fast, eyes opened wide.

Unwin excused himself and left the room. No words were spoken and breaths were held. Magnus could feel the panic spreading through his body, erasing every hint of shame that had been built up answering the doctor's questions. 

"Say something," the warlock finally blurted out. He couldn't stand the tension inside of him and between them any longer. "I ... I ... I am _so, so_ sorry, Magnus," the shadowhunter pressed out. "Fuck ... I didn't mean to ... I wasn't ...," Alec was fishing for words, too many thoughts right there on the tip of his tongue. He sank into himself as if the will to live had left his body. His hands rose up, holding his head, fingers brushing harshly through his hair.

"I did this to you. I am the reason why you relapsed! Fuck, I'm so sorry. I didn't know ... didn't realise that I'm doing this to you." Magnus tried to object through Alec's tirade but his mouth didn't obey him. 

Suddenly the younger man's whole body froze as if struck by lightning and with a voice so quiet that Magnus could hardly hear it he said, "I'm not making you happy?" It was more a statement of facts than a question.

Eventual the tone of Alec's voice loosened Magnus' tongue. "No, darling, that's not true!" the older man persisted. "I won't act as if some ... _stuff_ ... that happened between us weren't triggers. But this dark hole is a part of me far longer than you walk on this earth. You heard the Doctor. It's an illness. It's nobody's fault."

Alec was still curled up into himself. Magnus pressed a hand on his boyfriend's arm. "Alexander, please. Look at me. ... Please, darling." Magnus' sobbed begging cut through the accusations that Alec darted like poisoned knives directly into his heart. He looked up, his eyes glassy, his hair windswept. Seeing the despair in Magnus' face was the last lifeline to push back the turmoil inside of him.

"Right, sorry. I made this all about me. Sorry, it's not important." The tension in Magnus slowly receded but he couldn't just brush it off. "Alexander, this isn't black and white. It's all a tangled mess of contradicting feelings. But if there is _one_ thing I am dead certain, like 1.000.000 per cent certain it's this: I love you and you love me and there has _never_ been someone who made me as happy as you do. And let me tell you, my love, your feelings are just as important as mine. This effects you too."

Alec pulled back his slumped shoulder, straightened himself, and nodded. Magnus brushed his thumbs gently over the shadowhunter's cheeks. Alec leant into the warmth and nodded again. They both knew that this wasn't the end of this discussion but also that there was no use in dwelling on it now.

"Let's ... get on with it, okay? We can talk later," Alec finally said and Magnus rose from his chair offering Alec his hand. The stiffness had evaporated and Alec's hand softly slid into Magnus'. Standing foot-to-foot Alec bent down and pressed a chaste kiss on his boyfriend's lips. Leaning their foreheads together both sighed. This was gonna be a long demanding road. But they had each other. One constant in a sea of mayhem.

* * *

Magnus had to go through all kind of medical tests and blood sampling. The laboratory findings would only be in in a few days as the doctor and his wife had to do them on their own, the mundane tests not all suitable for half demonic blood. The other tests were all good. Nothing to be worried about.

The last procedure was an ultrasound. The room was dimmed and Alec leant at the wall while Magnus had to lie down on an examination couch. Dr Unwin worked thoroughly, not saying a word while sliding the ultrasound transducer over the glide gel that plastered Magnus' abdomen, chest, and ribs. When finished he cast a long glance at Magnus and breathed out a long sigh.

"Your internal organs look like I would have expected them to be in a person with a binge eating history. Apart from a fatty liver, there is nothing to be acutely worried about. Your heart is healthy and your bowel as well. There seems to be a bigger amount of fat tissue than your figure shows." He paused for a second. "You could be what is called a tofi - a person who is thin on the outside but fat inside." He paused again looking at Magnus' well-defined abs. The doctor's look was unreadable. Then he handed Magnus some paper towels and left him to clean up and dress.

When they returned to the office Eileen and her husband were already waiting for them. "I want to wait for the blood results, but I'm not expecting any surprises. The diagnosis is pretty clear. Your assumptions were right," Dr Unwin said. "Psychotherapy is the main treatment. The goals are to reduce eating binges and achieve healthy eating habits. You will have to learn how to deal with negative emotions and mental health issues, such as depression. Eventually, you will gain back control, but there are no quick fixes. You need to know that." Magnus nodded contemplatively.

"There are different kind of psychotherapeutic methods. Some have shown to be very effective when dealing with BED. Cognitive behavioural therapy may help you cope better with what's triggering episodes. Dialectical behaviour therapy focusses on change in behavioural patterns that might trigger you to binge eat. And interpersonal psychotherapy could be a very important part if problematic relationships or unhealthy communication skills are involved."

"I will give you the contact info of a dear colleague of mine. She is specializing in eating disorder treatment. She's a mundane who has the sight. She has a private practice but I guess that's not a problem?" Magnus shook his head no.

"Well, then we are done for today. I will call you when the blood results are in." Dr Unwin turned to his wife. "Eileen, would you give Alexander our ED information bundle and Marsha's details. I just need a second with Magnus." Alec glanced at his boyfriend who nodded and after a short moment of hesitation, he followed Eileen to the reception.

Dr Unwin observed Magnus for a moment. "It was really brave of you to take the first steps on your healing journey. I understand that it must be daunting but I'm confident that you will get healthy again, mentally and physically. But all treatments are only as useful as you let them be." "I want to get well again," Magnus said as a matter of fact. 

"Candour is the most important thing. It's the basis you can build your new life on," the grey man stated. Hesitantly he added "I might be overstepping asking this. But ... does he know about the ... _state_ of your body?"

Magnus flinched at that. Tears pierced his eyes. "No, of course not." "Maybe you should tell him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.


	6. Gut feelings

Magnus had opened the portal in the surgery. They both hadn't been in the mood for exploring York. The visit to the doctor had spun out their energy.

"Chinese?" Alec asked when they arrived back home. "I'm not really hungry, but I can summon you something," Magnus offered. Alec declined with thanks and prepared some sandwiches. 

They sat on the sofa the bundle of brochures that Eileen had given to Alec lying scattered between them. Alec read one by one while eating. He was already in research mode whilst Magnus only pretended to read. The words were behind a thick fog he couldn't reach through.

His stomach hurt. Part of it was the emotional turmoil he had been through earlier. All his life Magnus had been a 'belly guy'. That separated him from people who primarily reacted with their head. People such as Alec responded to strong emotions with headache or lightheadedness and coped with logical methods. Magnus, on the other hand, had always reacted intensely with his gut: swarms of butterflies when in love, a heavy stone in his stomach when a lover left him, a ball of fire burning in his intestines when anger hit, a cloud of nausea when he was feeling helpless, and a dark hole whenever loneliness and pressure were too intense.

He tried to handle it, not giving this part of his body too much focus. He attempted to ignore the gnawing hunger whenever he could. Filling his belly wasn't safe when he was on his own, he knew that. 

He relished eating with others though, it was safe. The company prevented him from overeating, distraction and the mere wish not to attract attention helped. He enjoyed those meals, particularly with Alec whose culinary horizon had expanded intangibly with Magnus summoning the best dishes from the best kitchens in the world. The warlock indulged in every little sign of delectation that his shadowhunter showed. It made him dizzy with joy.

But not today. Today he wouldn't give in to the gnawing feeling in his gut. Apart from a sweetened coffee in the morning, Magnus hadn't eaten anything. He didn't deserve to, no matter how hungry he was. The pain of hunger was as familiar as the pain he endured after overeating. They were two sides of the same coin. Whenever he would give in to one of them the other would come to haunt him all too soon. Magnus knew but couldn't break the vicious cycle.

He didn't do this to counter-regulate his binges. No, it wasn't like that. It was his way to try to prevent overindulgence, to keep the black hole inside of him in check. He wouldn't starve himself. But he was better safe than sorry.

Magnus stopped pretending to read and summoned a huge bottle of water, then drank it in record time. After that, he kissed Alec goodnight and fell into his bed. He was totally exhausted but sleep eluded him. He was still awake when Alec slipped under the sheets.

He felt the shadowhunter's presence behind him, but he didn't move to get closer to him. He felt Alec's hand softly brushing through his hair and gently stroking down his back. Oh, what he would give for just letting himself fall into his boyfriend's arms. But he couldn't. He didn't deserve tenderness. And Alec went through enough today. He should get proper sleep not having to deal with a needy warlock.

When Magnus heard the familiar little snorts he allowed himself to turn around. He watched his beloved intensely. He looked so soft, the ever-present frown wiped off his face. Magnus remembered the way Alec had looked at him earlier. Full of pain. He never wanted to see this expression on his lover's face, much less to be the very reason for it.

 _I am such a fool._ He should have told Alec. No! He should have hidden better. He knew that he had the strength needed. He could have prevented the whole situation. He had proven it to himself nearly every night since his first time with Alec. He was good at deflecting. Sending some magic through his boyfriend's body to raise his arousal in moments when it would have been inconvenient to feel the beautiful hazel eyes on him, sometimes even using little containment spells to divert his boyfriend's look to the ceiling. Now it was nearly second nature to him, a part of making love to his beautiful Nephilim. _Alec could never know._ Magnus wouldn't be able to survive the given disgust and rejection. He couldn't lose Alec. He just could not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.


	7. The incident

The first thing he felt was caressing thumbs on his cheeks. The first thing he heard was the sound of his favourite voice gently saying, "Magnus." The second thing he felt was nausea mixed with pain. The second thing he heard was a whimper. It took a moment to realise that it had come out of his own mouth.

 _No. No!_ If he kept his eyes closed maybe he would wake up hours later, just a bad dream to wipe away. _This isn't real, Bane. Just wake up._ But the sounds and feelings were too genuine to be imagined. Hesitantly his heavy eyelids rose and he saw Alec bent over him.

His whole body was a single ache though the pain differed in distinct parts. His neck was stretched in a strange angle due to only leaning halfway at the kitchen cabinet. His stomach felt stretched out in a way it should have held a growing child. His feet were throbbing.

"There you are," Alec softly spoke. "Can I carry you to the sofa?" Magnus nodded, instantly regretting it. That was a hell of a headache. He felt how his boyfriend lifted him up, strong arms cradling him to the Nephilim's firm body. In any other situation, it would have been insanely romantic ... or hot. But all Magnus felt was pain, nausea, and shame.

Alec carefully settled him onto the couch and kneeled next to him. He didn't dare to touch him, fearing a repetition of the events of the other day. "How are you feeling?" the younger man asked, voice still warm and soft. But all that escaped Magnus' mouth was a puff. He avoided Alec's eyes.

The shadowhunter resumed caressing the warlock's face. The hands slowly wandered into the black hair drawing soothing circles onto the scalp. The steady movement was astonishingly grounding.

"What happened?" _What happened indeed._ "I couldn't sleep," Magnus' voice sounded strange to his own ears. A little hoarse, but still higher than usual. Warm hazel eyes looked at him. There was no judgment, revulsion or traces of any other negative emotions, just affection and openness.

"Do you need anything to feel more comfortable?" _A big hole in the ground to sink into would be very appreciated._ "No, I'm good," Magnus pressed through his teeth. He felt Alec's eyes on him.

"I'm sorry," Magnus apologised but Alec only shook his head. "Don't. I just want to understand. Take your time. I'm not going anywhere." _Why does he always have to be so damn patient and loving?_ It would have been so much easier to deal with this terrible situation if Alec showed anger or frustration. Then Magnus would have had the right to lash out. But there was no way out of this. Alec would patiently wait for answers, for hours if need be. _Damn it._

Magnus sighed and closed his eyes. "I couldn't sleep. I was _so_ hungry." He still felt Alec's hand in his hair. Guilt washed over him remembering his boyfriend's earlier gentle touches while he himself had played possum. Tears stung behind his eyelids.

"I'm sorry, Alexander. I've never done this when you were here. I never wanted you to see this ugly side of me." "Is that why there was a silencing spell on the bedroom door?" Alec enquired. Magnus' eyes shot open. "How do you ...?" "Know? Well, I guess I would have heard the glass bottle shatter on the floor I think." "Glass bottle?" Magnus asked in confusion. 

"Don't worry. I already removed the shards from your feet. Luckily just a few." Oh, that was why his feet burned. But when did that happen? He remembered casting the spell to not wake up his boyfriend. He remembered opening the fridge and eating the leftover pasta. He remembered opening the larder. And then it got blurry. Flashlights of opening cookie wrappers, a bag of crisps, and the summoning of canned ravioli were all his brain supplied. Magnus buried his face in his hands. "I'm so sorry."

"Shhh, it's alright. It was a difficult, stressful day. Don't worry. The whole day was a big trigger. It's okay. We figure this out," Alec said sympathetically. It was infuriating.

Magnus groaned loud and long and Alec couldn't hold a snicker. "What's so funny?" Magnus grunted. "Sorry, but you are beautifully dramatic and it's cute as hell." "Really?" Magnus grumbled, but it was coloured with humour. Alec cocked an eyebrow. Magnus started to laugh but quickly reined it in. A wave of nausea choked him. But when it ebbed away he said, "Thank you. I needed that."

There was a long-stretched silence, but it was airy and light. "Do you want me to bandage your feet or do you heal them yourself?" Magnus smiled at that. Alec asked for consent. The warlock had taught him that. _Never assume a 'yes' if you didn't hear it._ With a wave of his hand the wounds were closed and his feet cleaned of dried blood. Alec cracked a smile.

"What about the rest? Is there anything I can do to help? Or is there something that you can do about it?" Magnus wanted to say no. _Candour is the most important thing. It's the basis you can build your new life on._ "Actually, I can," he finally answered. He moved both hands over this stomach, blue sparks floating through the air. It took some time, but the ache and nausea receded slowly. He raised his right hand to his neck and stretched his stiff neck. Then both hands sank to his sides and he sighed alleviated.

Alec whose one hand had never left his boyfriend's hair hovered his other hand over Magnus' belly and asked, "Is that okay?" Magnus hummed contentedly, closed his eyes, and leant his head into the warmth of Alec's fingers. The shadowhunter overcautiously laid his hand on the warlock's stomach and moved it in gentle circles. They stayed like this for a while, feeling each other's presence, no words needed.

It was Magnus who broke the silence. "I'm so sorry that you had to see me like this. I didn't mean to burden you," he said. "You could never be a burden. I love you and nothing's gonna change that," Alex stated simply.

"But what if you realised that I am not who or how you think I am?" Magnus asked with a strained voice. "What do you mean?" Alec's question held no tentativeness. "What if I hid something from you? What if I deceived you?"

"Is there something you want to tell me?" _Why does your voice has to hold all the softness in the world?_ Magnus sat up and pulled up his knees. "I think it's better when you sit on the couch for that," he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.


	8. The unveiling

The graveness in Magnus' voice made Alec's heart skip a beat or two. Something big was coming and for a moment the shadowhunter wasn't sure if he wanted to hear what his boyfriend was going to tell him. _What if I deceived you?_

Honesty had been a part of their relationship right from the start. They had bridged the rift between them that had developed through the soulsword incident. But trust? Trust had never been a problem for Alec - not with Magnus.

What could he possibly hide? Alec knew that his lifetime wouldn't be enough to learn everything about the long life his love had lived.

Their love had survived being a closeted shadowhunter, immortality issues, even a demonic parent. The thought that there could be something bigger - bigger than all these things and the eating disorder on top of it all - that thought made Alec dizzy and a slowly increasing throbbing pulsated in his head. The tension that was floating in the space between them was tangible.

But nothing he was feeling was as intense as the look on Magnus' face. Was it despair? No, it was fear! Magnus was scared. _The key to having no fear is having nothing to lose._ Magnus feared to lose him. The realisation kicked Alec out of his stupor.

"Magnus," he said softly. "I'm not going anywhere. I love you." At this Magnus met his eyes for the first time since the warlock had curled up in himself. He opened his mouth as to say something, but closed it again. He studied Alec's face as if he wanted to catch every detail, to memorise it for an eternity without him. Maybe that's what he did. And that thought broke Alec's heart. He wanted to wrap his arms around his boyfriend, whisper sweet nothings in his ear, and close their lips just to keep the truth inside. He couldn't lose Magnus. He just could not.

"Why did you fall in love with me?" The question took Alec by surprise but he answered without hesitation. "I fell in love with you because you’re wise ... and you’re generous ... and you’re brave ... and you’re incredible!" "What about physical attractiveness?" Magnus enquired.

"You are beautiful and sexy," Alec answered confused. "I don't understand where you are going with this." Magnus looked for the right words. "Our relationship is still new, Alexander. Physical attraction can die. It happens. Especially when there are ... drastic changes in appearance." Alec's head was swimming. _Why was Magnus always so cryptic?_

Magnus was fiddling with his rings, unsure of how to break the truth. "Do you remember the first time you told me that I was beautiful?" Magnus nearly whispered. "But of course. It was after you showed me your real eyes for the first time." Alec smiled at the memory. It had been the most incredible night of his life.

"My eyes aren't my only warlock mark," Magnus said underneath his breath. Tears welled up and a single one escaped, flowing down his cheek. Alec slid closer and brushed it away. Magnus leant into the touch, shutting his eyes even closer. "You've never seen it. I glamoured it. And if I couldn't ... if i couldn't I diverted your attention." Alec raised his eyebrows. He was confused. What was his boyfriend talking about?

"I have no bellybutton," Magnus explained. Relief washed over Alec and he nearly snorted. "That's the big secret?" he laughed. "Magnus you scared me. Really. Never do that again. It's not a big deal. You should have known that." Alec shook his head in amused disbelief. _Silly warlock._

"No, you don't understand. I didn't hide my bellybutton or the lack of it from you," Magnus said in a broken voice. "You know that my ... episodes started when we were dealing with your wedding, right?" Alec nodded. "And I suppose you saw the remnants of my binge in the kitchen?" Magnus hoped that he wouldn't have to spell it out for Alec.

"Yeah," Alec stretched the word. But there was no hint of realisation on his face, only befuddlement. Magnus sighed. "You read all the brochures. What do they say about treatment apart from psychotherapy?" Alec furrowed his brow. "Planning meals and weight management," he finally said. And in that moment realisation hit him. Magnus could see it. The shock was painted all over Alec's face. His mouth had fallen open and he just gaped at him.

It took an awfully long time until Alec regained his composure. "That's why Dr Unwin was so quiet while doing the ultrasound. Your appearance didn't fit the interior." Magnus nodded slowly. "But why? Why hide from me?" Alec asked. "Why?" Magnus laughed bitterly. "Because I didn't want to lose you." 

"Do you think I'm that shallow?" asked Alec as calm as he could but his voice had a bite to it. "You are young and this, _us_ is new. It's totally normal to be bound through good looks at this stage of our relationship. It takes time to settle in a mutual attraction that isn't based on being easy on the eyes," the warlock pondered, searching Alec's eyes to make him understand.

"I thought you knew that I am different," the shadowhunter said with bleary eyes. "I love you. It's not just a saying, it's the truth: Nephilim only love once, fiercely." Alec shook his head, emphasising his words. "Show me", he whispered. "Please."

Magnus closed his eyes. No, he couldn't. The shame that had lingered in his gut violently spread into every single cell of his body. He could hear the sincerity in Alec's voice. But the younger man just didn't _understand_. Maybe if he hadn't glamoured right from the start. Alec would have had the chance to slowly get acquainted with the changes. But all of a sudden? It had been months! He had easily gained one kilo per week, maybe even more. Magnus shook his head in negation.

But Alec insisted, "It's okay. It is the way it is. And it's not like it isn't revocable." Magnus wasn't really convinced. But Alec stuck to his guns. "I _want_ to see you. There's _no need_ to hide from me. I love you. And there is _nothing_ you can do about it." The last words held a hint of merriness as if the whole thing was just ridiculous.

Alec embraced Magnus and gently tucked him into his side. He took his hand, kissed his knuckles, and laid it down on his chest right above his heart. He waited until he felt Magnus relax. Then he sank to his side, stretched his legs, and pulled Magnus down with him. They moved around until both were lying comfortably.

Alec felt Magnus firm body pressed into his side and he closed his eyes. Then he stroked Magnus' back until his hand found its way into the warlock's hair. Soothing it was and Magnus nearly purred.

"Let me feel you," Alec whispered. "I won't look until you tell me to. I promise." Magnus sighed. There were a few moments of complete silence and then Alec could feel - what was it? Movement? No, just change. He felt the softness. He felt pliability. He felt Magnus' body perfectly wrapped around his own, every square millimetre connected. There was _nothing_ separating their bodies apart from their clothing.

"You're feeling wonderful," Alec said underneath his breath. "It's as if you were melting into me." Magnus dared to open his eyes, lifted his head, and studied Alec's face. A beatific smile played on the younger man's face. He looked like bliss incarnate.

Alec pulled him even closer and let his free hand roam over Magnus' torso. He could feel the soft tissue underneath the shirt, the warmth that penetrated the fabric. He slipped his hand under Magnus' gown and explored the firm sternum and the soft chest. "Is that okay?" he asked, his voice tender and deep. "Yes." The small word sounded raw.

Alec resumed his expedition. His hand stroked down finding the soft and cuddly belly. Magnus was still studying every little change on Alec's face. He saw his smile widen when he discovered the place where his bellybutton was supposed to be. "You're feeling wonderful," Alec repeated.

Magnus left out the breath he was holding and nestled back into Alec's side, burying his face in his boyfriend's neck. "You may look," he finally said. And Alec did. He saw caramel skin. He saw silver and pink lines. He saw soft curves. This was his boyfriend, the man he loved. And he saw him for the very first time. "You are beautiful," he simply said, pressing a kiss in Magnus' hair, his hands still stroking tenderly over the warlock's body.

Magnus raised his head fixed his gaze on Alec's face. His eyes held disbelief. "Can you honestly say that you don’t feel differently about me? Look at me. Can you honestly say you like this?" Magnus blurted out. Alec nodded. "Yes, I do. I love you. Every inch of you. You are beautiful to me. Never doubt that again."

Silently Magnus laid his head on Alec's chest. Alec who was still here. Alec who said he loved him, that he was beautiful. He couldn't wrap his head around it. So he did the next best thing and wrapped his body around Alec and cherished the moment, feeling safe in his lover's arms. _You never cease to amaze me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. 
> 
> I'm not quite sure how to continue. Maybe just an epilogue? Or would you like to read more? If so, what are you interested in? Let me know in the comments.


	9. Of armours and disarmament

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your comments. They encouraged me to follow my gut. And this is what flowed out today.
> 
> Just a small warning. There are some derogatory words Magnus uses to describe himself. I didn't want to brush over these thoughts that are a reality for people who live with this illness. 
> 
> There is a bit of physical intimacy in this chapter, but it isn't smut.
> 
> I hope you like it.

There was a knock at the door and whoever was waiting on the other side was impatient. Magnus bolted off the sofa, eyes still a bit unfocussed, trying to find his balance. Alec sat up, rubbing his eyes. It took them a moment to realise that they had fallen asleep on the couch.

Magnus looked down. The belt of his gown was undone, the smooth fabric framing his soft torso. Alec looked up at him, a smile growing on his face. Magnus couldn't help but smile right back. Relief washed over him. Alec knew and he had stayed.

Another round of aggressive knocks burst their little bubble. "What time is it?" Alec asked yawning. "Oh, shoot, that's my 10 am client," Magnus swore. The previous day's emotional work had run them into the ground and they had slept like logs.

Magnus snapped his fingers and instantly he was dressed, hair perfectly styled, makeup done, and ... glamour back in place. Alec let out an unhappy noise. He understood the reasons but he was still sad to lose the sight of his boyfriend in all his natural beauty. Because that's how he saw it. _This_ was the real Magnus. He tried to find solace in knowing that he himself was allowed to see him like that. It was the first step to self-acceptance.

Magnus opened the door, letting in a fuming Seelie. The warlock's demeanour was cocky, his movements perky and fluent. Alec's eyes followed him until the apothecary's door fell shut.

Alec thought about the first time he had met his now boyfriend. He had been full of innuendos, flirted in abundance, and showed a poise the younger man admired. After the revelations of the last week, Alec couldn't help but ask himself how much of it was real and how much veneer.

He understood why Magnus needed all of this: the makeup, the hair, the glamour. Sure, part of it was self-expression. Magnus was a shimmery person - with sequins and without. But it was also a suit of armour Alec realised not for the first time. The armour was needed in day-to-day life but Alec decided to help Magnus removing it when it was just the two of them. Magnus had to accept himself, had to accept his body. And Alec would help him to see how perfect he was.

* * *

Later they were snuggling in bed, Magnus brushing through Alec's hair, buried in thought. Wrapped around his boyfriend, Alec drew runes on the smooth fabric that covered Magnus' defined abs: trust, visibility, guidance, power, perseverance, sharing, stamina, action. He wasn't quite sure if these were for him or his boyfriend, maybe they both needed them.

He drew an iratze and muttered, "I want to make a proposal." Magnus answered with a hum. "I would love to see you with your glamour down when it is just you and me," Alec explained. He felt Magnus stiffen. "Why?" the warlock asked, voice low. Alec propped up his head on Magnus' chest, taking in the beauty of Magnus' glamoured eyes. "Because there is no need to hide from me anymore," Alec simply answered.

Magnus' eyes were a window to the fight of emotions inside of him. It was one thing that Alec knew. But seeing it, feeling it was totally different. It would be a steady reminder of his struggles. That's not how he wanted Alec to see him.

As if the shadowhunter could read his mind the younger man answered his unspoken questions: "I know that you are vulnerable when you let your guard down. But you are safe with me. I will never do or say anything to hurt you. And it doesn't need to be a big deal. Just be yourself. I think you deserve to just _be_ without anything restricting you."

Magnus mulled over it. Alec was right. He knew that. But still. Would his lover still think the same if he saw him like this all of the time? He wanted to be perfect for his Nephilim. It was what Alec deserved. Not a broken, ugly, fat boyfriend. "I worry that you might grow to feel disgusted by my appearance," Magnus confessed. "Never!" Alec's fundamental belief was running through all five letters.

Magnus sighed. He couldn't deny Alec anything. Taking in a deep breath to gather courage he let his glamour drop. Feeling his boyfriend soften underneath him Alec's smile widened. He kissed Magnus tenderly, their lips closing the deal. "Thank you," Alec whispered.

Their lips found each other again and the kiss deepened. Pleased noises filled the room. Oh, how they had missed that kind of intimacy the last few days. Alec peppered Magnus' round cheeks with kisses. "So beautiful", he said under his breath. His mouth travelled down the older man's jaw and neck. Alec inhaled the smell of sandalwood mixed with Magnus' own that he loved so much. "Perfect for me."

Magnus relished his boyfriend's soft lips on his skin. It felt _so_ good. It could be so easy to just melt into them. Still, there was the tiny voice in the back of his head telling him that Alec's words weren't true, _couldn't_ be the truth. 

He felt Alec's lips on his neck, his hands softly roaming over his body. A hand slipped underneath the hem of his pyjama top, caressing the soft tissue of his belly, exploring the unknown curves. "I want to map out every inch of your beautiful body", Alec murmured in his ear. Magnus nodded in agreement. And with every undone button, Magnus' hesitation slowly faded into nothingness.

There were soft-spoken words of encouragement, looks of adoration, touches of assurance, and every single one of them let the truth sink in deeper, manifesting itself in every cell of Magnus' body. He was lovable. He was desirable. He was loved and he was desired, right here and now, just the way he was. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Tell me what you think.


	10. Of glamours and clothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slryan05's comment made me think about how Magnus dealt with the changes his body went through in the past. Thank you for that!
> 
> I tried to write about what the process of healing can look like without boring you with too many details from the therapy sessions. My focus was more on the affects on the person with BED and also the people caring for them. There are quite some personal experiences that I wove in this chapter. They surely aren't universal, but they were true to me.
> 
> It's a bit of time and scene jumping this time but I hope it feels seamless.

The next weeks flew by. Between their usual duties as the High Warlock of Brooklyn and the Head of the Institute Magnus started therapy and Alec supported him as good as he could.

Magnus and his therapist Marsha hit it off right from the start. She was warm and empathetic, but also analytical and strategic. The therapy sessions were intense and every time he returned home Magnus felt exhausted but the tiniest bit lighter too.

Sometimes he shared details with Alec. But the shadowhunter accepted that there were things his boyfriend didn't want to talk about with him - yet or ever. Alec trusted him to share the important things. Magnus deserved privacy after all.

Their daily routine changed. After Magnus gave his approval, Cat and Alec took turns in taking care of Magnus regarding his eating pattern. They made sure that Magnus ate regularly, a measure to prevent a binge due to undereating. As often as possible Magnus ate in company, helping with portion control. Alec also made sure to come home every night and texting or calling throughout the day to check if Magnus was feeling well.

It wasn't always easy. Sometimes Magnus felt like a supervised child. He was a powerful warlock for G-d's sake! All this put pressure on his relationship and friendship. There were fights and heated discussions. Magnus had to apologise more often than he prefered. But Alec and Cat took it with equanimity. Both knew that this was part of the healing process. It was hard on all of them nonetheless. 

One day Marsha suggested visiting a support group for people with eating disorders in addition to the therapy sessions. It was important that Magnus realised that he wasn't the only one struggeling. There would even be people who had overcome their illness, letting him see light at the end of the tunnel if need be.

Magnus was still hesitant to join. But Alec reminded him that Izzy was still visiting her mundane support group that she first found while fighting her yin fen addiction. It had helped her immensly and knowing that this strong woman hadn't felt ashamed to seek help from mundanes made it easier to give in.

It really wasn't that bad. The coffee was awful though. The first time Magnus didn't share more than his first name and his eating disorder. The next week he shared that he was a freelance consultant and dating a detective. That was close enough to the truth for sharing details of his every day life without reveiling anything about the shadow world.

Listening to the other attendees helped more than Magnus had expected. There was a mutual understanding between them that only comes from experience. He didn't feel weak anymore. He felt human, in the best way possible. 

The fear of beining dependent on the help of others was still a threat to his relationship. There was more than one occasion he started a fight with Alec. He shouted at him, pushed him away, said things he knew he would regret a second later.

Now Alec's routine was filled with work and taking care of Magnus. Planning the day around these obligations was the simple part. Dealing with a man who tried to find new ways to work through his feelings without using food was not that easy. Magnus learnt a lot of techniques to deal with his emotions but letting his frustration out on Alec was often easier - but no less destructive. He hurt himself but also Alec. Alec who had been patient and supportive but who had limits too.

Magnus feared that he would lose him. Love could only do so much. One day he would decide that Magnus was just too much. He wouldn't be the first one to tell him that.

"Why aren't you leaving anyway? You could find someone more fitting. A good looking shadowhunter without baggage, a man you don't need to micromanage," Magnus yelled at him one day, half-hoping/half-fearing that Alec would simply agree. But the nephilim just stared at him in bewilderment. He opened his mouth to shout back at him if he was joking, if _he_ didn't want to stay with _him_. But he closed his jaw forcefully. No, he wouldn't give Magnus the misery he was so obviously seeking and with it the urge to fill the black hole inside of him.

"Look," Alec said in a soft voice. "I know what you're trying to do. You don't want to burden me, but you also don't want me to be the one to leave you." He laughed woefully. "The thing is - I don't want to leave you. And I don't want anybody else. I want you, warts and all." He sighed. "It hurts me when you say things like that, when you try to push me away, when you try to _make_ me leave. But I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me."

Magnus' anger vanished and he felt ashamed. "I'm sorry," he snuffled. "I don't know why I'm acting like this." "It's okay. I understand. Just ... try not to?" Magnus nodded in agreement.

They realised that there was too much pressure on them. They didn't want to risk their relationship. They chose to go to couples therapy and Alec joined Co-Dependents Anonymous. First it was just about maintaining a healthy relationship with his boyfriend. But Alec learnt that it also helped with his family, friends, and at work. 

There were some minor slip-ups in Magnus' recovery: one serving too much after a stressful meeting, a bag of crisps eaten without being hungry, a skipped meal when noone was around to check, things like that. But all in all Magnus' progress was remarkable.

Going unglamoured for at least a few hours every day made him aware of the changes his new habbits did to his body. He was still chubby but he was slowly losing weight. There were days that he could acknowledge that, seeing that his private clothes were becoming too big. But on his bad days he just couldn't. Marsha had explained to him that this was common. His brain didn't process the reality but instead the perceived version he had built in his mind.

He had glamoured himself on and off for decades, always starting with his first binge and stopping around the second anniversary after his last. It was the only time he allowed himself to check the damage in the mirror. Then he would decide how much of his body he needed to cover up in everyday life.

Every time he mourned another part of his body now to be hidden from the world. The last time it had been his upper arms. They were still muscular but the tissue hadn't fully regressed and wide stretch marks were running through the skin. He would now only wear sleeves that covered his biceps. It was a just punishment for his past weakness, just like giving up the slightly see-through tops he had loved in the 90's. He had to banish them to the back of his walk in closet when he saw that the marks on his belly were now too big to ignore. He deserved this penalisation, at least he thought so.

After he had decided how to dress until the next inevitable relapse he only looked in the mirror when fully dressed. He glamoured his full body solely whenever he found a body to warm his bed. It had never been a problem to keep the glamour up as there were no feelings involved. It was just plain sex, nothing more, nothing less.

But then came Alec, his beautiful Alexander. Swiping him off his feet, unlocking the longing for love, tearing down the walls around his heart, just to break it instantly. 

He had told him that he wouldn't ask again after his last attempt to make him choose him. But after what Alec had told him he just had known that the answer would be no. Not wanting to see Alec leave he had opened a portal and left for his favourite patisserie in Paris. He had bought a party's worth of sweets and portalled to his house in the French countryside. There he had eaten until he nearly blacked out. But at least he couldn't think of beautiful hazel eyes. Nausea and shame was all that was on his mind.

That day he started to glamour himself full time. Soon Alec would kiss him in front of all wedding guests. They would have their first fight, their first date, and would take the 'next step'. Alec had seen him shirtless and he had liked what he saw. There was no way going back to being unglamoured. And if he had to deceive the man he loved who could blame him? Magnus took care of that himself.

He still binged. Sometimes because he missed Alec who was working 24/7. Sometimes because he worried about Alec's safety or their relationship. Sometimes he had just forgotten to eat due to the whirlwind of Valentine's return, a lost parabatai, an addicted friend and son, party planning, all that jazz. His boyfriend nearly died and it wasn't him who had been able to safe him. No matter how stable his appearance was, inwardly he was a big mess.

The binging didn't stop until Alec found out. Though Magnus had let down his glamour in front of his boyfriend he had never deared to look in the mirror, not even dressed. Of course he saw parts of himself whenever he took a shower or was intimate with Alec. But he avoided looking too close. 

His boyfriend was aware that there were things that the warlock had liked before but didn't initiate anymore. That saddened Alec deeply but he didn't want to pressure Magnus. He hoped one day his boyfriend would feel happy with his body and fully enjoy himself again. And until then Alec would take whatever Magnus was comfortable to share with him. At the end of the day everything was going rather well, until it didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Let me know what you think.


	11. Tiramisu

It was such a stupid thing. But it had blown up in his face.

He had just portaled back after the meeting of the Downworld Council. All in all the meeting had gone well, just a bit of teasing between Luke and Raphael and the usual annoyed look on Meliorn's face when Alec had read the new statistics. Afterwards Alec had been distracted by something on his phone. Absent-mindedly he had agreed to bring cannelloni for dinner. He then had stormed out of the room without kissing Magnus goodbye. Magnus had been rattled but tried not to think about it too hard.

The warlock had looked forward to spending the evening with his boyfriend. It would have been the first time in a fortnight. But Alec didn't come. He didn't answer his phone. He didn't send a message. He was 30 minutes late which was pretty unusual. Magnus slightly freaked out when both Izzy and Jace told him that Alec had left earlier. Where the hell was he?

After 45 minutes Magnus was 100 percent convinced that Alec had left him. Why wouldn't he? For everyone else this thought might sound stupid, and Magnus wasn't an inane man. But his brain fed him the idea. It was easier to digest than thinking of Alec being hurt or worse dead. Alec was late, he didn't answer his phone, the conclusion was clear: Something had happened that was the straw to break the camel's back. Maybe Alec was finally fed up with him. Or he had found a new love interest. 

Magnus tore his hair out. _Stupid warlock. Stupid, stupid warlock._ After Camille he had sworn never to let anybody into his heart again. He had been dumb and this was the price he had to pay.

Unvoluntarily his feet had walked him into the kitchen. Of their own accord his hands grabbed the huge tiramisu that Alec had made earlier and Magnus started shoveling big spoonfuls of the dessert into his mouth. He had finished three-quarters of the dish a few minutes ago and now looked angrily at the tablespoon in his hand. No, this wasn't the right answer to his pain. Alec would have to tell it to his face and Magnus would give him a piece of his mind. He would look marvellous and the nephilim would bitterly regret his decision.

Cutting through his train of thought he heard a gentle voice behind him saying his name. He hadn't heard the arriving Alec who was now standing in the doorway. But why was he so soft-spoken and calm? Why was he even here?

Then Magnus felt Alec's hands around his waist, his body firmly pressed to his back. "What happend?" Alec simply asked. "You were late ... You didn't answer ... I thought you ...," Magnus stuttered. "What did you think?" Alec asked gently. Magnus' shoulders sagged and he was breathing uneven, unable to get air into his lungs.

"Shhh, it's alright. Just breathe with me. In - 2 - 3 - 4. Out - 2 - 3 - 4." It took some time but Magnus calmed down. Alec turned him around, embracing him softly. "Wanna talk about it?" Magnus nodded.

"I thought you left me." Alec was dumbstruck. There was surely a puzzle piece missing. He had been maybe 5 minutes late, 10 minutes max. It had been rush hour in the little Italian restaurant, but that surely couldn't have triggered this. Or maybe it did?

"Why would you ever think that?", Alec tried to understand. "I called you when you were half an hour late. Nobody knew where you were. You were so strange after the council meeting, I thought ..." _Oh, shit._

"Sorry, there was this stupid clave thing I had to deal with. I was totally distracted. That was inconsiderate of me. I'm really sorry, Magnus. And I think my phone is still on silent. I don't think I changed that after the meeting. But I wasn't half an hour late. Look, it's just 7.30 pm _now_. We wanted to meet at seven." 

Magnus hid his face in his hands. _Oh, no._ "Mags, what is it?" "I'm just so stupid," the warlock whispered. "I thought we said six." Alec started to snicker. "Oh, babe, you are truely timeless." At that Magnus rose his head and looked into Alec's eyes. "I am _so_ sorry."

"It's okay," Alec said, caressing Magnus' cheeks. "May I ask you something?" Magnus shook his head in agreement. "You started to eat because you thought I left you?" The warlock nodded. "But you haven't finished the whole thing. I saw you standing there with your spoon in your hand when I came in. I watched you for some time. You didn't move." Magnus shook his head again. "I planned how fabulous I would look like when I would rub in your face how much of a mistake you had made."

Alec guffawed. "Well done, babe. I hope I will never see that day, if only because I wouldn't survive the killer outfit you would choose." At that both burst out laughing. All the tension left their bodys. "The next time you think I left you, please check your diary, okay?" Magnus smiled at him. "I will. I promise"

"Cannelloni?" Alec asked. "There's no way I could eat more. But I'm happy to keep you company," Magnus replied.

Something in Magnus settled that day. He knew that his emotions were still construction zones. But he had defied the black hole's pull. He had stopped and turned to other measures. Now he knew, he would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Tell me what you think.
> 
> Fun fact: Tiramisu means "pick me up" or "cheer me up".


	12. Epilogue

This wasn't the last time that Magnus felt the pull to compensate his emotions with eating. But it was the last time he had partially given in.

In a way he knows that food, that eating will never be a casual thing for him. When you are an alcoholic you are able to never drink booze again. But living with an eating disorder doesn't give you that option.

And still. He _knows_ that there won't be another relapse ever again. There will be hardship and trouble, that's for sure. But he will never hurt himself and threaten his health again.

He has reached the point where he feels comfortable in his own skin. It may be painted with silver lines but now he can see the beauty in them. They tell a story of strenght, volition, and love. Love for himself, but also the love he allowed to help him heal.

Alec was an important part of his healing progress, a constant cheer leader on the sidelines. But it was Magnus who fought against the dragons of dark thoughts, who battled the demons of self-loathing and isolation.

Standing in front of the mirror he can see the remnants of his disease. Floppy skin, stretch marks, and dense layers on his belly where his well trained muscles struggle to be seen through.

But he doesn't care, not anymore. He is at a healthy weight, he practises tai chi every day, and spars regularly with Alec. His body is strong and sound. He enjoys good food and takes care of himself. He's not ashamed to be naked around Alec and he truely believes him when he tells him how beautiful he is.

His eating disorder isn't the ruler anymore. He took the reins and it was worth every fight. He is happy now. And even if he wasn't he _knows_ that he would never fall back on his old habits. He shoved them into the space where the slightly see-through tops were hidden that he's now wearing again. Not when going out, no. He doubts that he will ever be ready for that. But he wears them mixing potions, dancing through the kitchen, and seducing his husband. 

He fought himself back to life. What difference do some stretch marks and remained skin make? They are just the healed wounds where the light entered him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and being part of this journey. It made me look back to a difficult time of my life. But it also made me appreciate how far I've come.
> 
> I hope that this story might help people who suffer from BED. Healing is difficult and not linear. But what's waiting on the other side is worth everything you are going through now. Ask for help, search for your own truth. You deserve to be happy. ❤


End file.
